From Parent to Coach: How Your Role Changes When Your Child Goes to Middle School

We've all heard about how kids change in middle school and don't seem to want their parents around. That's not true. Kids always want you around, they just want you in a way that's different from how they needed you before.

This time last year, I was lucky enough to spend some time watching the Houston Texans practice. As I watched, there was something about the interaction between the coaches and players that made me think of parents with kids making the move to middle school.  When I sat down and gave it some thought, here's what sticks with me:

Every week coaches around the country spend time huddled in their offices with their team to replay the previous week's game. They pay attention to what was well executed and what happened that their players weren't quite ready for. Simultaneously, they study the next opponent so they can prepare their players by teaching them what to look for, giving them the skills to play the game and time to practice both in a low-risk environment.

Once the coaches have a plan for who is going to teach which skill, they sit the players down and scrub them in. Players listen, take notes and prepare for the week a ahead, knowing exactly what the end goal is. That week, coaches and players focus on 1-2 things that will help them become markedly more successful in the coming game. At the beginning of the week, players walk through the drills. Literally walk. Coaches move them from place to place sometimes physically showing them how it's done. Players follow their lead. As the week progresses, so do the players' independence and confidence. And the coaches back away, giving the players space to make the plays their own. During this time, players fail. Coaches and sometimes other players will jump in swiftly and say, "Hey, when you did this, you opened the door for {insert unintended negative consequence} to happen. What you want to do is Y. Let's try it again." And they practice it again and again until the player gets it.  Nobody freaks out. Why? Because during practice you're supposed to fail. Now don't get me wrong, when players fail to execute a skill after much practice, there's a consequence, a natural one. If they aren't ready, they don't play in the game, and I haven't met a kid yet who enjoys being on the bench during game time.

So what does this have to go with parenting a middle schooler? In elementary school, your kids need you to be enthusiastic about everything they do and bring home from school. The need you in the clingy, lovey kind of way, and want your attention, your guidance, your hand. In middle school that looks a bit different. Your kids want to be independent and what you and I know for sure (a la Oprah) is that eleven year olds don't wake up one morning in August with independence left under their pillow like a gift from the tooth fairy.  We've all heard about how kids change in middle school and don't seen to want their parents around. That's not true. Kids always want you around. They just want you in a way that's different from how they needed you before. What they need is for you to give them the skills they need for the big game--the moment when they are on the field and you're in the stands unable to rescue them. They need you to sit with them at the table on Friday nights and replay the week. To help them make a game plan (a downloadable version is below) for the coming week. They need you to walk them through what doing it right feels like and show them how to know when they are doing it wrong. All without freaking out--why? Because this middle school experience, is practice, and you're the coach.

Making the Leap to Middle/High School

In a couple of days, some families will truly turn the corner, saying goodbye forever to elementary school. You’re walking away with fond memories of all those handprint arts and crafts, class parties and homework/projects where you could actually be helpful.  You are abundantly thankful for the nurturing atmosphere, and you might be even happier that you managed to meet and make a few mommy friends along the way.  Ahhh….elementary school.  Bliss.

But then there’s what’s next…middle school.  The sheer thought of its size alone makes you a little squeamish. How will your kid who’s been in such a small, nurturing environment fair in a system so large? How will she adjust to all of that movement? From being the bigger kid on campus to being the smallest one? Have you seen the size of those 8th graders? Thinking, if her middle school experience is anything like mine, we’re in for a wild ride. And let’s not even talk about the difference in workload? Everything about moving to middle school just seems so…scary.  (If it didn’t before, it surely seems that way now, no?)

Take a breath. Take another one.  

What your kids experience in middle school will be different from what they experienced in elementary. That means how you support them in the process will also need to be different. In elementary school, your kids need you to delight in their academic learning, to celebrate the light coming on, to “oh, wow, that’s awesome” every moment so that they learn to value and appreciate the act of learning. In middle school, kids learn how to manage their time, how to navigate social circles, how to fail and how to rebound, how to be organized and make plans. They should learn what kind of people they don’t like to be around, and somewhere along the way, they should learn some academic content as well. It’s a lot to process for a kid who a couple of months earlier left a class of 22 with a sweet, loving teacher in a well-controlled environment.  Middle school is their first introduction into anything that resembles the real world, and your kids need you to be present. They need you to be their coach—realizing it’s their turn to go out and find their place in all of the madness, making sure they have the tools and skills to put their best foot forward while giving them quick, re-directive pointers when they fall. To that end, here are a couple of things you can do to be present without risking being a helicopter parent.

1. Talk to your child about how middle school will be different.  Don’t project your experience on to him, but talk about the things you already know about. Here are a few questions to guide the conversation.  I typically have these kinds of chats over ice cream or while hanging outside to make them seem more off-the-cuff.

• How are you feeling about going to middle school next year?  
• How do you think it will be different from X Elementary?
• You nervous? or What are you most nervous about? (Listen carefully to the answer here, this will be your first opportunity to coach him/her through the first difficulty.)
• Own your nervousness: You know, I’m a little nervous too. {insert why here}
• Add something reassuring about how you two will figure it out together.  

This may seem like a no-brainer, but what’s really happening here is you’re sending the message that you are going to continue to talk to your child about school, even through middle school when it’s normal for parents to unknowingly give their kids too much room before they are ready.

2. Set a goal and a game plan. I know this sounds a little hover-ish, but hang with me. Your kid needs to know that he owns his own experiences.  Whether middle school works or not is within his control.  There’s no better way to teach that lesson than to teach that lesson. Here’s your first opportunity to be Mom/Dad the Coach.  Let’s say that your son said he was most nervous about doing well in math. That’s been a tough subject for him and he’s had to work really hard at it even in elementary school.  Here’s an example of how this coaching thing works.

"You know, I was thinking about you being nervous about math.  When I get nervous about something, whether I’m going to do well or not, making a plan helps me figure out exactly what I can do so I won’t be so nervous. Like last week when I was anxious about my project at work, this is what I did to get myself together." Show him a made up or real project plan using the fuzzy grid below but with your own content.  The model below is a sample of what a completed version might look like if your child said he was nervous about math.

You can download a student-friendly (read: way cooler looking) blank version below.

You can complete a similar chart for all kinds of things: organization, making new friends, trying new things, trying out for a sport team, completing a project—anything.  You can and should create new goals whenever there’s a need. The goal here is to get your son or daughter to start making the connection between input and output, correlating when she does well and what of her actions led to that and vice versa.  

No matter what the situation, if you stick to the “What happened? Why do you think that happened? What do you think you should do differently so that does or doesn’t happen again?” you can’t go wrong.  The trick is to lay that foundation as early as possible and to maintain that kind of problem-solving mindset throughout middle school. By 8th grade, it should be second nature. This is the type of engagement your kids need from you as they make the leap to middle school—this is the essence of coaching.  This is middle school.

And if you wish this was around for your teen who's now in high school, don't fret. It's never to late to teach kids how to be successful. Download the Success Game Plan and help your high schooler start the year in the right direction.

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You Can Do Anything, But Not Everything

You Can Do Anything is part of Plan. Succeed. High School Edition, a series of summer workshops where Houston Area students learn the organizational skills and habits to be successful in high school and college. 

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I was reading the Houston Business Journal and came across an interview with Houston billionaire Tillman Fertitta.  The interviewer asked Fertitta, what is one of the biggest mistakes small business owners make, and his response made me think of one of the unintentional lies we tell our kids.

Fertitta said one of the biggest mistakes he’s seen is "Not knowing your strengths and your weaknesses. You have to know your strengths and weaknesses. If you don’t have a particular strength, you need to go out and replace that."

From the time our kids are wee ones, we tell them they can do anything if they work hard enough at it, and no where does this come back to bite them harder than in high school. In high school, kids know the stakes are high, but they aren’t always clear on how to best leverage their time and energy to get the best results. So what do they do? They take all of the AP courses. The study until the wee hours of the morning, pumping their bodies with caffeinated energy drinks to put off their bodies’ demand for sleep and to sustain their waning focus. They do this extracurricular activity and that one, largely to pad their college resumes. And with all of their efforts, they expect what we’ve told them to be true: that if they just work hard, they can do it all. But the reality is, they can’t. Nobody can. And if our kids don’t acknowledge this, they learn a tough lesson the first time they study all night for a biology test only to earn a C or worse yet an F for their efforts.  Our kids dissolve into a million pieces, feeling like ultimate failures, lamenting their damned GPAs. So what do we do? We hire tutors in hopes that they’ll continue to work harder and maybe a little smarter. While this may help them get a better grade on the next test, it does not teach our kids one of the most important life lessons: “You can do anything, but not everything.” (David Allen, LifeHacker) At the intersection of our strengths, skills and interests, lies our greatest contribution. Trying to do and be everything prevents us from focusing on the most important, most impactful things, exhausting our resources, and ultimately preventing us from feeling like we add any measure of value anywhere. 

So instead of preparing our kids for a lifetime of burnout that many of us know and resent, here’s what we should be teaching our kids:

1. Know your strengths and use them daily: There is no better work than work that allows us to use our strongest skills. No, everything in life won’t be easy, but how many self-help and books on leadership on the best-seller lists deal with saying ‘no’ to things that don’t align with your strengths and core values? Rather than setting our children up to have to unlearn this self-sabotaging belief that they have to say ‘yes’ to everything to get ahead, let’s teach them to how to lean into their strengths.
2. Know your weaknesses: You have them. I have them. Your kids weaknesses don’t make you a failure, but spending countless hours trying to make your weaknesses strengths takes energy and focus away from the things you are good at. It’s exhausting and a waste of your personal resources.
3. Resolve and have a specific plan to be good enough in your weak areas: This is a two-part deal: resolve and have a plan. Just because you have weaknesses doesn’t mean you shrug your shoulders and say, “Well, I’m just not good at that.” No, it means you do whatever you can to be good enough so that your weakness isn’t a detriment to your overall goals. Commit to attending tutorials with the teacher once a week (resolve) to review your notes and make sure you’ve honed in on the key takeaways (specific plan). Commit to spending 5 minutes every night (resolve) reviewing the previous day’s work, previewing the next day’s work and writing 1-2 questions that you have from the preview (plan). Or better yet, connect with someone whose strength is in your weak area, someone who breaks things down in a way you understand, and have a Sunday check-in to review and preview. This  works best if it is mutually beneficial and you lend your strengths to minimize the impact of their weaknesses.

And just to be clear, all of these options require work. None of these provides our kids an excuse to coast. Instead, they teach kids to dig into things that really matter to them, be aware of and accept their sore spots, and ultimately be more strategic about how they allocate their personal resources without compromising their personal and academic development and long term opportunities.

As you prepare to send your son or daughter into the throws of high school, think about how you can share these lessons with them now, before the weight of needing to be perfect stifles their ability to make forward progress.

Yes, You Can (and Should) Take It With You

My husband pre-life-changing discovery

If you asked my husband what the most life-changing moment was for him, he wouldn’t say the birth of our children or meeting me. He’d say finding out that HEB sells chopped onions in the freezer section.  (Rude, right?) You see, my husband is all about efficiency. He likes to give his full attention to the more meaningful, more impactful things rather than spend precious time and energy on tedious things. Isn’t there a way to skip the watery eyes, sticky fingers and the annoyance of doing something that’s the first step in almost every meal he cooks? Wasn’t there a way to get a head-start, so he could get busy with the part that’s most meaningful? 

Year after year, teachers are forced to do the same thing. They are handed a roster of student names and charged with helping those students be smarter, more academically and developmentally complete in 9 months. And every year, they start the school year doing the same thing: chopping onions...I mean...getting to know students. While this is absolutely an essential step, there is no reason teachers should have to start from scratch here. Doing so means they are in essence spending less time and energy on the more meaningful work that they uniquely positioned to do: teaching. 

This doesn’t have to be the case. 

Think about bacon. When we panfry bacon, we’re left with a flavor goldmine in the bottom of the skillet: renderings. This amazing concentration of goodness can provide a boost of flavor to everything from soups to roasted veggies and anything in between. Or they can be discarded. Over the last year, your child’s teachers have spent countless hours learning your son or daughter. They’ve figured out in what conditions your child thrives best. They’ve learned what kinds of lessons and which subjects pique your child’s curiosities and which don’t. These teachers have seen your child at their best and worse. And now, as the year winds down, you have to decide what to do with the renderings, the amazing concentration of information that say so much more about your child than numerical grades. Or it could be wasted.

In the same way that HEB’s precut onions give my husband a head-start and the opportunity to jump right in to what matters most in his cooking, you have the opportunity to give your child’s next teacher the opportunity to do the same. By collecting and sharing all of the knowledge and goodness that your child’s current teacher has spent the last several months figuring out, you provide continuity, allowing your child to pick up where he left off. When a teacher shares the strategies that have worked with a student in the past, the new teacher has a go-to guide, a cheatsheet of sorts that can only serve your child well. Sure, every teacher needs to get to know his/her own students, but the benefits of not starting from scratch are many–especially when list of new students is long.

To help with this, I advise my parents to use my End of the Year Reflection tool, which is great for having your child’s teacher download what’s been learned over these last few months so that information can be passed along to the next teacher.  Use this tool so that when it's time to have the essential first conversation with your child's teacher, you'll have specific, meaningful information to share to help her/him best serve your child.

Click the button below to download the End of Year Reflection tool and for future access to other things in my Parent/Teacher Toolkit (including Establishing the Parent/Teacher Partnership: First Conversations).

Don't let that concentration of goodness go to waste. Click the button below to download the End of Year Reflection tool!

DOWNLOAD THE END OF YEAR REFLECTION HERE!

The "Best" Schools Meet Kids Where They Are

I recently came across an article Meeting Kids Where They Are by Bill Gates. The article highlights the value of colleges and universities that rarely, if ever, make "The Best Schools" lists. No, these schools don't carry the prestige of a Harvard or Yale, but their purpose and function is just as noble: they serve the kids who aren't a right fit for the likes of Princeton or Columbia.

See, here's the thing about finding the best fit school: it's about more than academics. All of those schools listed above are great academic institutions, and yet each one of them has it's own unique vibe, which I often call culture. One school might be full of geniuses and have a culture of competitiveness, while another might have the same academic caliber of students, but the culture might be one of collaboration, where kids don't see each other as threats but as true peers. The way a student experiences those two places are radically different.

When deciding between schools, we have to remember that schools are not just places for our kid's brains, they are also places for their social selves, their emotional selves. A great friend once said a school is responsible for "addressing students' IQ while expanding their EQ". I promptly wrote it down because this–this is truth! Looking at rankings alone neglects half of the equation, more than half for those students who are more socially inclined. 

So when you are laying out your options and trying to decide between schools, ask yourself two questions:

1. Beyond academics, what kind of school does my child need? In what conditions does my child thrive? 
2. Where is my child socially/emotionally? What are his strengths/challenges in those areas and what would a school that meets him where he is offer?

And if the school that you're left with isn't a highly ranked one, that's okay. The best school is the one that meets your child right where he is and develops in him the personal confidence, sense of efficacy and academic skills to realize his full potential. What could be more valuable than that?

The options and opportunities are vast and as unique as your child. Don't be afraid to look for the best fit.

If you are applying to schools next admissions season, register for our online course Choose Well: The Ultimate Guide for Choosing the Right Schools.  We've taken the process we use when working one on one with our families and put it online for families everywhere. This course will help you take you the steps to find the right school for your son or daughter. 

FREE DOWnload>> 6 things to keep in mind when looking for the right school

We Were Waitlisted–Now What?

Just before we shifted into chill mode for spring break, we got the news: blah, blah, blah, WAITLISTED, blah, blah. Of course, that’s not exactly what the letter said, but that’s what I read. Like many parents who start the search process as early as September, not having a definitive yes or no can feel like one’s been sentenced to purgatory to tread water thick with uncertainty. 

This blog is for those of you who after opening admissions letters find yourselves saying, "Okay, we were waitlisted. Now what?" 

Being waitlisted is about math.

The number of available seats at higher performing schools across the country doesn’t come close to meeting the demand. In the public school space, this means once the number of seats allocated (building capacity - projected number of zoned kids attending = number of magnet seats available) are filled, everyone else goes onto the waitlist. In the private school space it’s similar math, although not everyone gets put on the waitlist. Only the candidates who “fit” are added to the list, those students who would have been admitted if it weren't for such limited supply. 

What happens now?

Being waitlisted is like being in a holding pattern at the airport–sometimes there are simply too many planes trying to land at the same time, and it’s not until the traffic thins and the dust settles that you touch ground at your final destination. Between the time letters go out and the common reply date (first/second week in April) is what I call “dusty season.” Parents are trying to decide between their options, schools are fielding calls from accepted parents who have lingering questions and calls from others who want to understand why their child didn’t get in, and everyone is trying to figure out what to do next. There’s a lot going on, and waitlisted parents should use the time to gain some clarity about your next move until the dust settles.

First, take a few breaths and determine how much emotional energy, if any, you want to leave tied to the possibility of coming off of the waitlist. How much hope are you willing to hold on to? You know your emotional bandwidth. Don’t set yourself up for devastation should things just not work out. If you’re in the private school runnings, feel free to email the admissions director a short email letting them know your position. Remember to keep it short. It’s dusty season, and matriculating their admits is priority number one. Something like this should do the trick:

Dear {insert name},

{Insert child's name} and I were both happy and sad to learn {he'd/she'd} been waitlisted at {insert school}. Happy because we know being waitlisted means you think {insert name} would do well at the school, but sad because as of now, there isn't enough space for {him/her}. 

We wholeheartedly believe that {insert school} is the right fit for {him/her} because {insert the number 1 and 2 reasons you applied to this school}. So we are more than happy to wait it out and hope for the best. When can/should I circle back for an update?

Fingers crossed,

{insert signature}

Second, think about what you do have. Maybe you got in to one of your other choices that you liked but didn’t love. Give some thought to the reasons you applied to that school in the first place. Maybe it has 3 out of the 4 things on your wish list. Remind yourself of the positives and start planning how you’ll supplement if that becomes your child's final destination. Maybe you applied to a private school during a non-entry year, take a few breaths, put your feelings aside (tough, I know) and ask yourself: Is there a better time? Am I still convinced that this is the best school for my child? If the answer to both questions is ‘yes,’ schedule a conversation with the admissions director to get their insights and decide if reapplying next year makes sense.  

Help your older child process the news. Don't forget that they were the ones taking these tests and filling out applications. They'll see this as a judgement of their ability unless you help them see otherwise. Talk them through the math, and then help them decide how much emotional energy they want to continue to invest. Help them come of with a plan for how they can be happy at option B if option A doesn’t pan out. There’s no better time to teach your kids how to respond when what you want isn’t immediately available to you.

How long do we wait?

In most cases, the earliest you'll come off a waitlist is a few days after the common reply date. That gives admissions directors time to see how many seats weren't filled by their first-round admits that are open to students from the waitlist. For private schools, this process is finalized by the end of the month. For public schools, however, this can extend through the first week in August. See why you have to determine your emotional bandwidth first? This process can go on for some time.  

Congrats to those who found and got into their top choice schools. For those who did not find their fit, resist the urge to think you or your kid is not good enough. Fit matters, and you’d much rather be in a place that’s a good fit for your child academically and personally than to be in a place that’s not. (Reread #2 above.) And for those hanging out with me in purgatory, I’ll tell you what I told my husband, “now we sit back and let the dust settle."

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Edit: An earlier version of this blog listed these two scenarios explaining how one might come off of the waitlist.

1. Private: You were waitlisted for kinder at Preschool-8 School X. Some parents who currently attend that school also applied to other private schools, but they also had to “hold” their seat at School X. They got into their top choice school and will forfeit the seat they were holding (and the deposit), which creates an unexpected opening for your child.

2. HISD: You got into your second choice school and were waitlisted at your first. Because you don’t want your child out in the cold, you accepted the seat at your second choice and decided to save a sliver of hope that lightening might strike. On June 12, you get a call from your first choice saying lightening struck and they have an opening for your child if you want it. You shimmy in your seat, say yes, and now your second choice seat is open for someone else. Of course, you could say ‘no thank you’, and the school moves on to the next person on the waitlist.